I am not depressed, rather, I would define my current standstill as severely unmotivated to continue the rest of this year. What I need will never come and no matter how much I seek it I will never find it because I am clueless to what it even is.

2020 marked the year of change. Decades ago, people predicted that the 21st century held the opportunity for spectacular advancements in technology, artificial intelligence, and absurdly, the idea of teleportation and ape chauffeurs remained as laughable images. At the end of 2019, despite our more realistic views, we still hoped that this was the start of a better decade. I don’t know what it was, but even I personally felt a deep liking for this numerically auspicious date. It excited me and this newfound hope was food for my future, but I guess that meal was poisoned. 

If time travel existed, I would solely travel back in time just to laugh at past me’s face. At this point, I feel like we all wish Earth had some sort of eject button. It’s not that I’m ready to stop everything, I’m just ready to press the skip forward button this year, especially with the way things are playing out. It’s as if I’ve already finished the show, but I’m forcing myself to watch time-consuming ads just to see the end credits. In short, I did not sign up to live in a dystopian novel. No, not a novel, a whole cursed Hunger Games type series. 

We are told by family, friends, teachers, and influencers that we should stay positive and look forward to a better future, at best a miracle, but come on. Do you expect me to shove a global pandemic, widespread wildfires, murder hornets, locust swarms, deaths of inspirational icons, and the potential 3rd world war under the rug? Firstly, my room doesn’t have a rug, and even if it did, I don’t think all of that would fit( I don’t think anyone has a rug that big). You probably think “Wow, this girl is pessimistic, a total Debbie downer,” but no I’m just a high school senior who probably will have her graduation in a parking lot. 

I believe that sometimes it’s okay to see the bad instead of blinding myself with optimism. Being scared reminds me that I am human. I am a person who hesitates before plunging from my comfort zone, and 2020 is lightyears away from what I consider as comforting. Maybe it was just me, but before this year I was able to see something, vague and unclear as it was, it was something. This obscure path toward my future reminded me to keep fighting for a dream no one could see except me. It was a fragile but invaluable something. Now I can’t even see a path, and sometimes the limitless now is not enough. We are students who have been taught to forge a future that will define our choices, but a mind anxious about future events is a miserable one.

I am not depressed, I am just someone who prefers an ad-free Spotify.