As the winter season begins for us dancers, feelings start flooding in knowing we have roughly four months left of our sport. Some of us will go on to dance in college, for a club, or join a intramural team. Most girls just decide to hang up their title of “dancer.”

I’ve been dancing since I was about two years old, and on our school’s dance team since I was a freshman. As long as I can remember, I’ve also struggled with my confidence in the dance world. When I was younger, I repetitively found myself in the back row of the dance. As silly as it sounds to somebody who isn’t a part of the dance world, something as small as being in the back of a routine can crush your confidence.

To feel like you are a back up dancer is never any fun.

As the years went on and I got a little bit older, I moved away from the studio I had grew up in. It was the summer after 5th grade that I decided to make the move. Up until this point I had always loved dance, but the place I was previously dancing at didn’t feel like home.

I was so excited about this new studio for a few reasons. I had just moved to Sartell from a small school in St.Cloud, and there were a lot of girls from Sartell at this studio. I was overall just excited to have a fresh-start, and a change of scenery. I spent a few years here, and I was very happy at the time.

Then the time came for me to tryout for our high school’s dance team! Tryouts are held a few weeks after the winter season ends, so at the time it was the spring of my eighth grade year. My family happened to have a trip to Florida scheduled the same week as tryouts, so I was instructed to send in a video, rather then attending in person. Because of the circumstances of my tryout, I was so worried that I wouldn’t make the team. Low and behold, a few days later the team was announced. I had made it.

Something I quickly realized after the first few practices is how dedicated you must be to be a part of this program. I think it’s easily overlooked just how much work gets put in behind the scenes. I don’t think I ever really realized that the dance team season is about nine months long. We dance over the summer and the fall. We dance over winter break and during weekends. However, every minute put in truly means so much for the final outcome.

As a freshman, I looked up to my peers so much. I was very lucky to have such a passionate and driven senior class my freshman year. It was obvious how their positive attitudes and handwork rubbed off on us. My freshman year was our first year in class AAA, which was definitely exciting to come into. As the season went by, I can clearly remember our first dance competition of the year. The Friday night before our competition, I came home to find out both my parents had Covid. At this time, Covid was a huge deal. People were getting so ill to the point of passing. Because of all the regulation, I was instructed to quarantine for the next 10 days because my parents had tested positive. I was crushed that I couldn’t compete in my first ever dance competition for the team

My younger sister, who is 11 now, was pretty young at this time. My sister stayed with my grandma while my parents were ill so she wouldn’t catch the sickness. My room is in the basement, whereas the rest of my family is upstairs, so I just did my time at home. After a few days passed, my dad grew sicker. My mom was so ill that she was on bed rest, and my dad had been admitted to the hospital.

More time went on and I was growing bored of being locked up in the basement, and my dad was getting worse. My mom was pretty sick for a few days but ultimately got better. My dad had to be put onto a ventilator because of how quickly his health was decreasing. I was back to dancing now, but my dad was not back to his normal. There were six other people placed on the ventilator during the same time as my father. Unfortunately, all of these people passed away. My dad was the only survivor out of those who were hooked up.

He came home two days before Christmas, and it was the best gift I could’ve asked for. He was much better than the state he was in at the hospital, but he still needed an air tank for his breathing. He is a big hockey fan and I think him having to miss hockey due to his illness really took a toll on him.

The rest of my freshman year passed, and I was coming up on sophomore year. Sophomore year was my first year dancing varsity, and it took a toll on me mentally. The varsity experience is definitely different from the junior varsity one. I was so excited to be given the opportunity to dance as a sophomore, but I always felt like my spot was constantly on the line. I remember sometime mid-season I got sick, and had to stay home for maybe a day our two. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that if I did not show up to practice, my spot would be taken away. It can be really difficult to try to balance all these things in your life and not let the sport consume you.

Sophomore season went on, and we medaled at sections, which means we would have the chance to compete at state. That year, we had a super fun dance. We had a disco themed routine, and costumes of three different colors; blue, orange, and yellow. We had great choreography, and lots of difficult skills and transitions. At state, 12 teams compete in pre-lims, and six teams move onto finals and compete once more. After dancing pre-lims, we found out we were in 5th place. I remember a heart felt team meeting we had before we danced in finals. We needed to beat two teams to place third and medal at state.

Unfortunately, we took fourth place at state that year. I believe we had every tool to take us to a medal that year, but we didn’t bring it till it was to late.

On the other side of things, my junior year we worked our butts off. We didn’t want the reason that we don’t medal at state to be us slacking. We were so driven at doing better than we had the year prior. The end results didn’t shake out the way we had hoped they would. We were putting in more than we were receiving in return. Some girls think it was because of our themes or our costume or song mix. Other girls think it was because of other teams. I’m not sure why we were overlooked last year and didn’t reach the goals we had set, but it was the way it was. Ultimately, it was hard year on myself and my other teammates.

During the spring after my junior season, and my upcoming senior season at the time, I did a lot of thinking.

Does dance still fit into my life?

Does this make sense for me to continue to do?

Does this make me happy?

There were a lot of things I felt like I had to consider. I would be going to college in just a year. I knew that it was important to me to have a job and be able to make money before going to college, which can be hard during dance team season. My job is also something that brings me a lot of joy, so its hard to be away from it during the winter season. I also knew how much of a toll dance took on my mental and physical health junior year. I didn’t know if I was prepared to do it all again.

I called my coach to touch base with her on how I was feeling. We had talked for about an hour covering all the things I needed clarity on. After our call, I felt much better. I think part of it was I was missing the validation that I needed. Being able to be told that I am an important part of this team, was something I needed to proceed.

Therefore, I decided that I would try making it work. I showed up to the first day of practice, and I felt the fire again. I think it was nice to have a refresher from the past season. Summer practice felt like less of a drag this year, and it was exciting stepping into the new role of a senior. Summer went quickly and fall practiced arrived. I began to notice how fast things were truly moving. Pretty soon the short nine week season was over with. This was the last pre-season I would ever have, the last time with some of my favorite coaches.

Winter season began on October 21 and has been flying by ever since. There is a feeling of drive and confidence this year that hasn’t been obvious in years before. I think we should take into account too that being a veteran of four years on the team relieves some stress and pressure. You know how things work, and can focus of bettering yourself, rather than getting things down in the first place.

Our first performance is in two weeks, and as soon as the first event happens, things start to fly by. I’m excited to lay everything out on the table. I have so much emotion and hard work that I’m ready to put behind me for these last few months. Dance has been such a huge part of my life forever, so it’s easy to kick it into gear these last few months.

Being a part of something bigger than yourself, is truly such a unique feeling. Many of the different things in the dance world have shaped me to who I am. I couldn’t be more grateful for all the ups and down that dance has brought to me. Even the hard days have positively effected me in the end.

There are so many people who have been there with me through thick and thin. My mom has always made me feel seen and heard when I was upset about a dance placement or not being in a front row spot. She remains me of all the great things that make me who I am, and that those things are not just the title of “dancer.” My friend Kylee has always been a rock for me when it come to dance troubles too. I feel like we have the same story in relation to dance. We are two people who I feel like get overlooked. We are some of the hardest workers you could meet, but sometimes it feels like we are thrown on the back burner. I want her to know how much her friendship has helped me get through my bad days, and I hope I do the same for her.

I’m so grateful for the people dance has given me. I have made my best friends and so many trusted adults through the sport. Even those I will be entering my last few months of being a dancer, the years, memories, and values built up will never leave.

Thank you dance for being an outlet, when nothing else made sense.

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